No Excuses

Hello.

What would it be like to be perfect and to be able to say "No excuses, no apologies, no regrets...."? Not perfect, not smart, struggling to see the big picture, selfish to the point of meanness ... somedays, that's me. Keep this paragraph in mind when reading this message. I've written it to further analyze my perspectives on the future.

About 4 1/2 months have passed since I last attempted to update this blog but for over four and 1/2 years Susan and I have been wrestling with the effects of addiction and recovery in our family. We have not sufficiently addressed our own need for recovery. "Geoff" offered this recipe some time ago: combine a 12 step recovery program with generous dose of counseling and add in all the prayer and reflection your life can hold. I probably rate a "C" in two categories and an F in the other.

The previous version of this "Barking" blog examined Sarah's Journey to Recovery and it will now become a vehicle to examine of my thoughts about my journey and I will occasionally provide an update on Sarah's progress! She deserves high praise for her progress and privacy as she continues her life. You can send a "friend" request to her on Facebook if you're curious.

Sarah - the positive update: Bright spots and highlights! Sarah achieved 3.5 of 4.0 at NMC in her two classes. She lives in at home and works 25 or so hours weekly at a local restaurant. Her girl friend, Hannah, lives in the Traverse City house. In reality, the plusses outweigh the minuses of that arrangement and that fact offers hope for the future. My hope is that Sarah (and Hannah) will continue to grow into healthy and responsible adults.

So congratulations to Sarah. She's further on her "Road to Recovery" than am I.

And now on to the future and a chronicle of my own journey as I face the Perfect Storm of aging, potential retirement, and the need to move-on. This blog will become the vehicle for my look into the future.

Explanatory notes are inserted here: "I" does not mean "Susan and me." Susan speaks for herself. Her actions are hers just as my actions are mine. She may or may not agree with anything I say and thus I am alone responsible for what is written in this blog.

Shifting gears.

Last Fall Susan and I agreed I would work another year, renew the lease in Carmel, and evaluate the timing of living under a common roof. Each of us is sizing up scenarios of post-retirement life, Social Security, Medicare, balance sheets, and varying approaches to life's challenges!

As a reminder, Susan moved to Michigan to care for her Mother knowing that we'd eventually sell the Eden Glen house. Her move was fortuitous because her sister and partner were encountering issues of their own and Susan's presence helped all concerned. A second reason for the timing of the move was to get Sarah to new surroundings. That action may have saved her life.

Here is an unanticipated consequence of the move: Separation strengthens the individual; unfortunately it tests us. Long distances cloud meanings and emotions associated with written and spoken words; it feeds misunderstandings and undermines confidence. My hypothesis is that our weaknesses become weaker, and our strengths become weaker, not stronger. I must work to be patient, understanding, supportive, and present in Michigan with as much positive energy and emotion as I have within me.

Having a desire for a peaceful retirement is a corruption what real life will actually unfold. If you know me, you know I am hardly tolerant of deviations from any plan, let alone a planned, enjoyable retirement. Dad used to say it all when he boiled his philosophy down to this restated adage: "you made your bed, now you lie in it!" The rub is that this transition will not take place in a flash. It may take a year or more. I just have no way of knowing.

I am reluctant to embrace change. Retiring here (Indiana), moving there (Michigan), is like reaching the point of no return (PONR) from Fall to the Wintertime of life. In Indiana, I have identity through work and engagement in the community. I love my job, feel part of the church, community, the library, Kroger, and the landscape. In less that half a day (12 hours) I can see all but Kevin, Kate, and Elli. My habits, patterns, trails, and emotional (non-family) ties are here. I no longer even consider Illinois, my birthstate, my home. At the PONR the change becomes permanent, somewhat like letting a part of me die or get relegated to the archives. So, in some ways, I equate moving to Michigan as starting over, leaving behind major parts of me.

So Michigan, pure Michigan! What awaits?
Adjustments Ahead. Reintegrating life with Susan will be great but an adjustment nonetheless. She too is redefining herself. So far the sandpaper of life has left some adjustment scrapes oon each of us and maybe a few bystanders. If anything, change will take time. In marriage I believe partners come first, not the will of others. The "moving adjustment" will not be easy. I got used to living at least a half day's commute from relatives for 45 years. I dearly love and miss them but I adjusted to the distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and occasional visits were wildly exciting. (They were wild to see our family of 7 leave!) Upnorth has always been guided by the traditional "Larson way" at the cottage. Relatives made us welcome and yet the invading hoards were rare visitors. Not Susan, just the "relative" newcomers!

Upnorth has already been tweaked by my presence. Look out, I'll be bringing a lifetime of habits, patterns, boundaries, and expectations. That inevitable intersection already begs for roadside assistance given 65 years of acquired habits. Overnight conversion to the "laid back ways" of Michigan are unlikely. (Ha ha ha ha - laid back ways?)

Soon - Good-bye Hoosierland! The Residences of Carmel City Center is more than just a motel room. This place offers much: its location is convenient with helpful services, friendly staff, and privacy. Life is simple and without a huge storeroom of "things"; heck, I use the open Internet access and the office center computers, workout area, and have skipped subscribing to cable TV. Living in about 800 square feet, I even have my own w/d. Duke Energy squeezes less than $40 per month for energy. Water and parking are included in the rental fee. Pretty efficient living. It only lacks Susan. Okay, Susan and Maggi. (I don't believe Sarah has the least wish to live here -- she loooves Michigan.)

Outlook. I recently provided our children my (our?) perspective of the future, talking about plans, wishes, aging, retirement options, and the final days. Because "age 65" is just a few days away, it seemed timely to deliver a uniform message to those wonderful people. That message doesn't appear here but it was enough of what one needs to know about the future. Well, my estimate is that there is an 80% probability that I'll move to Traverse City in 12 1/2 months although the escape route still looms. A variety a reasons can delay retirement as this blog post recounts.

This is, afterall, the season of change and of hope. Just having our life and health is a blessing which, as the cottage wisdom goes, "is a privilege denied to many."

Is this the time to "man up" and take seriously the commitment "for better or for worse"? Yes. Time to tackle the "us" issues and to learn the "TC" way? Yes, umm, maybe later? Sooner?

It is the time for No Excuses, No Apologies, and No Regrets. It's up to us............not just me.