Lost Friend

State your name and state of birth.
Rich, born in Illinois.

Where did you go to high school?
Griffin, Springfield, Illinois.

Summarize your formal education.
College degree, advanced management certificate, extensive corporate education.

Why would education be important to mention?
Go back to the moral of the nursery rhyme, "The Three Little Pigs". A strong foundation for life includes an education. Key people in my life encouraged taking control of my life and building that strong foundation.

Who were your mentors or key (non-family) people of influence in your life?
Fr. Gerald Leahy and John A.

How did things work out with Fr. G?
He was an excellent spiritual advisor and guidance counselor. He didn't overtly push religious vocations and I was too self focused to listen carefully and consider what he said. I took much support that he offered but did not begin to appreciate the gift of his guidance. If anything, 50 years after I met him, there is no doubt that I was shallow, unfocused, and troubled-confused about so many things; if only I could have set aside my myopia and immaturity. That aside, was my self-serving naivete typical of the age? Yes, probably, but those who successfully learn by listening and considering the wisdom of others, may be set apart from the rest. Easy to say, I have no scientific observations to back up my suppositions so let us just say I regret not having the opportunity for a "do-over"!

And regarding John A., how did that work?
For about 43 years, our friendship was as close a friendship as I've ever had or will have. Teacher, guardian, guidance counselor, psychologist, career coach, brother, benefactor, safety net, rich uncle, critic, and enigma.

Where is Fr. Leahy now?
I believe he developed Alzheimer's disease, died, and no doubt he's counseling the angels today. While his memory left him, many who knew him treasure memories of him. Later in life Fr. Leahy was replaced by Fr. Fred, but that's another story. Great story but not key to this analysis.

And John, where is he? What is he doing now?
John is 72 years old, still lives in Chicago's western suburbs. He retired from corporate life about 8-9 years ago. He operates a web based business showcasing and selling the arts and crafts work of talented people throughout the US. The products are fine reproductions of work from the Arts and Craft movement ( www.fairoak.com ) He is a master at the business as well as being an expert, especially on pottery of the era (Teco, etc.).

How did you get to know John?
Met him near the end of my freshman year in high school. John was my hero and my "pain in the butt" because he was so good, yet so hard on wimpy little me.

What was John's background?
As I got to know him, he taught Algebra, was the yearbook moderator, and he was an energetic driver-driver "A-type". High performance, high expectations, high standards, high ideals, and already highly accomplished, having been an outstanding student himself who put himself through college while raising, with his mother, a niece and nephew. John, or "Mike" or "Michael" as his family called him, was extraordinary. His mother and father adopted John and his sister; his foster parents raised many, many children that way. Pretty amazing story - he grew up sleeping on a pullout bed in the parlor of the home on 6th Street.

How did your relationship with John grow?
For some reason he took most of my friends under his unofficial tutelage. He said we were a "special group" and by outcomes of lives it may be so: retired Air Force general, lawyer, chemical company exec., doctor, researcher, college prof / assistant dean, etc. I like to think John had some degree of influence on most but I believe, I benefited most.

John was responsible for home grown yearbooks (we didn't outsource)for a few years. He handled (taught himself) all phases of photography, layout, production, and distribution. John went on to form a speaker's group, the Gavel Club, and provided strict discipline yet often he gave more fatherly advice than did the religious community that taught at the school. It was not uncommon for John to counsel many, take kids to the popular ice cream and root beer hangouts, and even took people to the Muni Opera in Springfield and St. Louis. His band of students sometimes rebelled at his demanding style, rejected his press for excellence, yet everyone felt we gained much from having known him. How many actually formed sustained post-education friendships, I don't know. I know really of just one - me; that's a mystery because I didn't sustain my participation in either club, yearbook or Gavel Club, however we did stay in touch.

Describe some of the history of the early years?
In my senior year John drove me and another student to Washington to visit Georgetown and also to see the Capitol City. Considering I'd seen only parts of Illinois, Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, and Missouri, that was a big trip. I wasn't accepted to Georgetown (while it offered a great education I was far too immature and it would have been a disaster). My SAT scores were mediocre, if not disappointing. Preparation consisted of making sure I had 2 #2 lead pencils! Somehow I scored high (amazingly so) on the ACT and got accepted to Illinois State University. Thank goodness my parents and John insisted on a back-up plan, but perhaps that was at an age when any college was "success". John was pretty much my guidance counselor -- I didn't have a clue, or better yet, I had no passion for education or a career. It just wasn't in the front of my mind. Oh yeah, my grades for the first two years barely made a 2.2 GPA, no bad grades, just very few good ones.

I digress. John stayed in touch during those years and I think I did, too. He didn't approve of my social life, grades, or even focus on sports. I doubt that he ever saw me compete but why should he? That lack of contact and interest didn't necessarily mean we weren't in contact! I was lucky enough to have him occasionally visit school and see him over holidays and summers, but then I was blind and in love.

Ever the futurist, John left teaching to work in "computers" where he learned the trade that would mark the rest of his career. He ended his professional life as VP of Information Technology and Services and helped transition a automotive mail order parts catalog company into a call center/customer response and ordering concern. He truly became expert in all phases of that business -- all phases. I believe he was so smart but likely such a driver that he crimped his own potential. John was quite able to hold his own against the best of IBM, RCA, AT&T, and others. This paragraph doesn't begin to do justice to the breadth of his expertise. Suffice it to say, in the business, John was a giant!

This same person could break down a lawnmower engine, rebuild it, and keep it running. He could replace your water heater, diagnose problems with your wash machine, solve complex personal business problems, and advise me on my personal problems.

You were in your last year of college and headed to the real world. How did John fit into your life?
I would likely have followed the path of least resistance to become a teacher and live life following the path of "letting things happen". John helped me see a choice, opened opportunities, and even guided me transitioning to the bigger world that was found in central Illinois. I visited him at his apartment on the Lake in Chicago; I learned about the importance of a resume, had mock interviews, and generally had a broader expectation of life and career. He helped me assess issues related to "the draft", and ultimately, though he counseled otherwise, supported my decision to marry right out of college. Thanks to John, I did transition to living in the big city, adjust to a big corporation, and get launched in marriage and in a 2-year military commitment.

I lived at John's place before marriage, upon return from the Army, and after my separation. John was my best-man --- twice and godfather to at least one of our kids, confirmation sponsor to another, and witness to all kinds of milestones in their lives. While he didn't always approve, he helped me navigate the good times and the bad. He was a friend to my friends, an uncle to my children, a truth-telling advisor, and a patient observer of my failings. He was generous, well beyond belief. Take my word for it - when measured by dollars or value or purpose, John had no equal in his generosity to parents, in-laws, and children.

You refer to Lost Friend. What's that about?
My marriage to Susan and John's acceptance of that and of her family was a good match. He was pretty much part of the family, even when we moved to New Jersey and then back, at least to Indiana. He visited and was key to our lives. Godparent and friend, there was little John didn't know but nothing he could control. He was on the periphery a bit.

Your friend? You kept him on the periphery later in your relationship?
Well yes. He didn't hold back and even when he "disapproved" he committed his time and energy to being part of our family. Occasionally that disapproval stung (both ways) and I suspect a little distance began to grow. Some disapproval was over really big matters and some was small. Physical distance helped ameliorate some criticism but John was still the most loyal of friends.

Part II of this blog will begin later.
I need to process and maybe assess what has been written thus far. The next segment really will explore what may have been the break points.

The separation may, and I mean may, have really begun over John's disappointment with expectations of me, of the kids, and of unrequited friendship. Therein may be found the seeds of decay and ultimately lost friendship.