Where Have You Been?

Ahhhh.

After a series of jobs and brief stays in halfway houses Sarah spent many of the last 100 days living at home. She recently found a job and moved out last night to cram herself into alternate living arrangements. She agreed, it was time!

We are undergoing changes of our own. This weekend Susan moves to mom's cottage in Michigan and our home is for sale although I will continue to live and work in Indiana. We will play the next steps by ear despite not being musically inclined, but you get the idea, right?

My favorite Al Anon meeting was last night. Lesson hit home. Of the meetings I've attended, this was more than a just a good meeting, it may have been the best! At the first meeting of each month we discuss the Al Anon recovery step corresponding to the number of the month, thus in October the focus is on the 10th step: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Much like the Sacrament of Reconciliation, we examine our own conscience, not the conscience of our qualifier! We examine our actions, the things we are responsible for, and the things we must address. Admitted that we were wrong -- geesh, that too?So I really am responsible for only my behaviors, words, and actions! My response to Sarah must be independent of the actions and words of the addict! In almost biblical proportions I still need to show more love and support and less judgment and disapproval. If one is to truly work one's own recovery plan then addressing that which you can change is the only wise path.

Sarah, wise though afflicted, reminds me that she must work her own recovery. She knows the program but sadly she is in the grasp of a terrible addiction and we both know I can't cure her. Pushing her to attend meetings, questioning her choice of friends, and lamenting her actions brings her no closer to recovery than leaving a trail of crumbs for her to follow. Show more love and empathy!

Thus it is important to practice the 10th Step, take a personal inventory, and apply honesty and humility, while letting go of pride and the belief that I can control the outcomes. Suppress and recognize and deal with my frustration, anger, and pain rather than spreading it within the circle of family, friends, and work. You know and I know that Sarah doesn't choose to be an addict but her brain chemistry and her cravings present an almost impossible barrier to overcome.

Last night I recalled an incident from late 1964 that ended in a confrontation with an alcoholic that I loved. As a teen I got in his face for a behavior that was likely rooted in his own childhood and in his addiction. As his teenaged judge I condemned him for an incident that now seems trivial - a personal affront. Over time we had more such encounters and for many years I found myself blaming him for much that wasn't perfect in my own life. Well guess what! None of that helped me address my own issues, nor did it help the bystanders who were likewise in pain. My actions did nothing to improve their situation, perhaps cornering the alcoholic made things worse. My words and anger may have had the opposite effect.

Maybe I can sum the good of the meeting this way. Growth comes from truth, not from shades of truth but the whole admitted truth. Yes, humbly taking inventory of my own behaviors and admitting my OWN shortcomings is a first step (okay, really the 10th of 12). Addressing the issues I can control can bring me peace, ease the tension of those who share the same sorrows, and in a counter-intuitive way, ease some of the guilt and bad feelings of the addict or alcoholic.

In the community of Al Anon is strength. By witness of others we know we are not alone, not judged, just listened to carefully. No advice. Just working some time tested 12 steps.

Ahhh.