Not Better, Much Worse, Storm Ahead

I could almost swear I took this picture of Sarah a few years ago but of course I didn't. Sarah is anything but an innocent thrill-seeker. In her secret life, riding the roller coaster on a bike with training wheels is probably tame.

The thrill of heroin's first rush is never quite the same. Not that you don't seek the thrill, the rush, or the euphoria, you do because you an addict and heroin does not let go! Unlike the great firsts of life, the seconds lack the allure and the mystery, but the heroin addict continues the quest.

The after-effects? In just one recent 24-hour period Sarah was 3 people: angry, defiant, and oppositional to everything; then she was a reflective addict who rationally discussed heroin as an incurable disease and a lifelong attraction; finally she was a loving child who crawled into bed with Mom to find comfort. There was a 4th person but that was the next day and you really don't want to know about that beast.
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"Blowing now toward the south, then toward the north, the wind turns again and again, resuming its rounds. All rivers go to the sea yet never does the sea become full. To the place where they go, the rivers keep going." The heroin addict craves, craves, craves.

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From 24 hours before to 24 hours after 6 days in Michigan I charted the cycle of addiction:
1. Disappear until hours before departure to MI
2. Sleep for 30+ hours upon arrival in MI
3. Functioning but cranky, self-focused, and engaged in big mood swings. 3 days!
4. Wants to leave early. Emotionally we pay for staying; emotional battering as she exercises her anxiety to return to druggiana.
5. Disappears in less than 30 minutes after return.

What hopeful conversations we squeezed into the week evaporated 2 hours after our return. The darn disease won another skirmish.

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Rhythms and patterns emerge, repetition thrumming a beat, and we gain insight but not the comforting kind. We experience the drama with orchestra pit tickets and surround sound. The Prelude, Act I, Act 2, Intermission, and then Act 3. We don't anticipate a great final scene.

No-yes. I'm happy to report Sarah has been working for the better part of 3 months. Unhappy to report she lost 2 jobs including one where she was lucky not to have been arrested. Her hours have varied from 30-something to 60-something and now back to about 30.

Hours get cut, money leaks all over, and dirty, nasty drug tests tell the truth. The Gore-kind of truth. Inconvenient. We fuss through another round of recovering personal property from the Pawn Shops; more money disappears. Yeah, we know we're gullible, naive, etc.

Pretty darn cold at night, single digits. No place to go. Just one step from the homeless shelter or halfway house!

Are you looking for answers?

So are we.

Peace, peace out, out of peace, and the outer edge of peace.