The Addict's Struggle

Thanks to Alexi Zaitsev, Galerie-du-Soliel for use the image, an oil on canvas. GALERIE-DU-SOLEIL.COM

THIS POSTING WAS SUBSEQUENTLY EDITTED - SEE COMMENTS IN RED:
I owe the reader an update. Pretty steamed and self focused - not a lot of patience with things lately.

You can see Sarah sitting among the ridges of the sand dunes, climbing Sleeping Bear, in Ryan's art over our hearth, and in the "profile" photo image Kevin captured nearly a dozen years ago.

In Michigan we stood on the cottage dock on Long Lake watching her tubing. Later she's on one ski just like Mom. With gritty determination she suppresses the proud smile - it's peeking back at us from above the end of the tow rope as she carves esses across the wake. We grin back.

Faster Dad!

Memories warm our hearts at mention of "the lake" or "Grandma's Cottage". Susan has been going to the "lake" for 50 years and we notched one more trip this year. One weekend the extended family arrived from Baltimore and Juneau, Shorewood and Leawood, Carmel and Arlington Heights, and even San Fran. On to Beulah, Honor, and Traverse City, Michigan! Wonderful time although some sibs do not seem to get the stupidity of inviting an addict to smoke weed and drink. I am disappointed that they believe they're bonding. Reality? They're enabling her and undermining those who see the implications of her addiction - DAILY.

Slower Sarah!

Some things are going well. Some are not. You know that.

The addict's story is not pretty, not easy to live with, not easy to relate, and difficult to understand. Things are not great right now even though she lives at home and most nights we live the lie --- she's safe here. The lie is that using our home base makes it easier to acquire and afford her drugs. No Rent! In retrospect, this is the TRUTH, not a LIE. The wait-staff job gives her $ everyday she works. Ok, no any more. Fired! We pressed her to search for new jobs. Found 2 jobs, fired from 1 in a month. Found another. Let go around New Years. Just now working at Dunkin' Donuts.

Old BF (Went to jail for 2 months, now in a halfway house) worked across the street before jail. That scenario set the stage for some whoppers, not the kind from Burger King. Little things start to mysteriously disappear again. Tonight we start hiding stuff again. At 3 AM I jumped in the car looking for her, barely 5 hours before S&S's ETD for the Summer Michigan trip. One half block away she was in a parked car with the evil BF, the red-headed devil. WOW, they make bad choices.

The disappearances continue. She's been locked out twice including this instant 1/4/2010. She's been pretty verbally abusive to Mom but I won't take it, get in her face, and am on the verge of dragging her butt to the street. Instead, because of the theft, lack of cooperation, and violation of the "no drug use" ultimatum, she's out the house. I'm the adult, she has the disease but the stuff just erodes sanity!!

The addict struggles with addiction. Her brain struggles to make choices you and me (I?) see as no-brainers .... just do the right thing. The addict struggles to separate right from wrong in the face of craving some drug of choice - the sine qua non of life, a very few right choices.

That struggle is hard. (Pray for an end to strife.)

We're hope for peace, rest, and just a little recovery while Sarah enjoys the family in Michigan. After a week in Michigan last Summer she was gone in less than an hour after our return. She was AWOL for 3 days, allegedly sick and staying with a friend. Drug sick, staying with evil BF at a Holiday Inn Express, forging the amount of a birthday check and then overdrafting accounts.

Subsequent to this she also wrecked BF's car. Damn, $700 upfront to cover that cost and guess what the repayment plan is? Never.

Writing is my therapy. It helps me. Tackling the enabling and codependency has been difficult. Talk about knowing the right thing to do and having the courage to stand firm against addiction and the addict is quite hard --- we should do this as a team, but alas, we're not shining stars!

By the end of 2009 we've made some progress. At the beginning of 2010 that progress is being put to the test.

Test, test, test, test .... 1, 2, 3 .... hello, can you hear me now? Thank God for His presence and comfort. Help us find the answer to "why prayers are not always answered in ways we expect or want!" I know but we don't. Matter of faith. The prayers are answered, we just haven't seen the plan revealed.

Test, test!

Just one more good memory, please.