I Just Cannot Believe

We recently posted and then removed the "Liar Liar Pants on Fire" posting. Tonight is another moment of harsh reality.

Sad and confused, Sarah called Susan to go out for dinner while I was returning from southern Indiana. After dinner Sarah stopped by to pick up some necessities. She looked pretty beat, circles under the eyes, raggedy and without spark. I was home by then and we did a little hurt-strangers dance and then we hugged.

She's on an edge. Her two best friends aren't good for her: BF and H. Saying goodbye to either would be devastating she believes. She owes people money, cell phone bill is due, and has court fees. Of course we're cheap and no longer offer much help. Every dollar we give her allows her to use her earnings to buy drugs or feed BF. It's hard to hold firm to this but we will no longer feed the beast.

Sarah likes the independent lifestyle, something I view as an oxymoron. Think "dependent deathstyle". Setting aside our feelings of devastation, I believe Sarah knows the truth within. The truth she knows, but upon which she alone must act, is that she must abandon BF's abuse, give up the needles and flames, reject the white substance of darkness, and reach for the Light.

Our "home" is not on the path to her recovery. We are too entwined with the demons within her, the bad moments of her life, and the mental-"I'm over 18" line of demarcation. Our rules cannot be hers. It has been a struggle for us to accept that she crossed over the last fortification en route to adulthood. As parents we helped shape her life and now she has that iron-willed stubbornness which marks our family. As the youngest of five she learned to fight for every inch of her acceptance and equality 'tho she is the least in stature and age among her siblings. The solution and recovery, while supported by love and prayers, will not be in this home. She will march to the beat of her drum, turn the parade on an oblique path, and use the lessons of her short life to craft something new.

Bonnie and Clod Update: A local attorney handled her case pro bono allowing her to enter a diversion program. Stay out of trouble for 2 years and there'll be no record. Banned for life from Menard's! While we want to be happy, we know once again she has dodged consequences, learning that justice means many things to many people. So much for natural outcomes.

BF's family hired an attorney last year to defend him in his pending "possession with intent to distribute" charge in Hamilton County. She represented him in Marion County, too. That attorney was able to cut a deal for BF AND she offered her services as the pro-bono attorney for Sarah. I want to throw-up. Had BF's case not been diverted too, Sarah was prepared to testify that BF was not an accomplice in the Menard's shoplifting adventure of Bonnie and Clod. That way he wouldn't have the Menard's caper on his record when his next trial comes up. I just cannot believe it. Addiction and co-dependency and enabling at its BEST.

And what does Sarah think? She thinks she's being cheated because we refused to hire an attorney. (I am frugal. I came by that honestly. My Mother was a model saver and both parents were rich providers .... of necessities. I'm not sure Susan fully appreciates my grocery value-shopping skill, however.)

BF has not worked for more than a day here or there. Any income they have comes from Sarah's meager wages and yet BF won't drive her to work or school. It is not convenient and after all he doesn't work or go to school so why should she, except that they would have $0?

I apologize to you. While you learn a bit about the adventures on the Road to Sarah's Recovery, this blog sounds more like my innate crabbiness. The truth within is that we are all powerless in all but a very few decisions in our own lives. We are given the gift of life for ourselves and our children for whom we are caretakers-teachers-home plate.

The truth within is also that we keep loving her.

P.S. I've reposted those entries previously removed. They're part of the Road to Sarah's Recovery and my thoughts on the same.