Depression and Worse

A week ago we returned with Sarah from Kansas City. Sarah needed "smokes" and wanted the car to get them. Alternative? Susan grabbed a few cigarettes - her stash, and took them to Sarah's room. Not there, no answer when called to! Bathroom door was ajar.

See the picture? Syringe! Spoons and needle tracks, exposed, they were here in Carmel, in this house. Perhaps we're overreacting, that our imagination is out-of-control because after all, those tools of the addicts' trade were just being "cleaned out". Glad she didn't say she was keeping them for a friend. Maybe she was, for the "other" Sarah.

On the next morning, the naive parents let Sarah drive to a meeting, and then to the OD ... Orthodontist, that is! Lots of extra miles got put on the car. Slowly came the realization to all of us, something was up! The trusty and rusty alarms clanged in our ears, stirring old fears. We thought if we extended our trust she would see our good faith? No. Mistake.

Signs of addiction's grip are tightening around her good judgment and free will. Her desire for safety and good health are being choked by an addict's craving. Sarah, our daughter, is caught in the vise of our enemy, "the addict." In a heart wrenching realization, we see the battle between the dear daughter and the addictive craving. The addiction has overwhelmed the strength of the poor kid's ability to fight back with tools she's learned in the last 2 years. Our love is not shielding her from the death-grip of this devil.

Where did the drugs come from? Answer is related to where she went with the car. While we didn't see her shoot up, we did confront her over the usage with firm options: leave or accept help. Offered detox and a variety of treatment options. The echoes of too many arguments for too many years! Bad choices for her but she agreed to think about it.

Next day: another sad present. Tom, the druggie BF, is back in the picture. Nasty stuff!!!! Partner is use.

You're reading this and asking "when are they going to learn?" Us, too!

Here's what we know. Susan just drove Sarah to Ann Arbor with no idea of where Sarah will stay. Susan is learning a new software program for her job at church. After a couple of days Susan has to come home. Sarah wants to gather her things and come back.

You may not understand or agree. We are saying "no!" Not while she refuses to get help, refuses to fight this by attending NA meetings, refuses to avoid using friends, and continues to use herself. We will help her fight, not help her chose death. Before all else, she must agree to change. Wake up! We hope.

We can't give her more money, it just goes for drugs. This is the first time she stole more than a little from us, a check, forged for $100, used to buy drugs. She used and within a half hour, stood here and denied it despite all the tell-tale signs.

Revelation: There are "2-Sarah's-in-1". Sarah the daughter we love. The same one that, when lucid and wanting to live, knows she needs help, structure, and recovery. This is the Sarah we love and for whom we fight to save her life.

The other Sarah, the addict, is sly, cunning, deceitful, and at risk of imminent death. No lie.

The deadly Sarah is in control of her split life and her raging addiction is a very ugly. The great lie is winning. The sweet Sarah has diminished, her powers of resistance are weak. Drug-induced addiction will kill Sarah and I believe it will do so soon. We do not know how to help her resist.

Susan is as heart-broken as am I. We have faith, family, and friends who sustain us. Perhaps the next program's doors will swing open, something will click, Sarah will heal. Thank you for your generous offers of help. I assure you everything is on the table.

Autumn is my favorite season but it has been pretty dark this Fall.