Well, what did you think would happen after the "bomb" described in the previous post."Standing firm" collided head-on with "it's my life!" News of the planned changes to our Indiana life was a lot to absorb when layered on only 2 options of living in Michigan or transitional halfway house living. When we first talked about preferred options Sarah expressed concerns about leaving Indiana and the place she's lived most of her life. She was sad to leave all the memories. Her room. Her friends.
Today, she was pretty single-minded. It is her life! We are firm. Collision of control. Conflict of wills. "You can't control my life!" Are we trying to "control" or "manipulate"her by attempting to narrow the options? Probably so. To save her life!
She's got a point we are all considering. In 10 days she will be 19. Do we just, give in, let her achieve her real aim , to see BF, and ostensibly to be totally responsible for herself? We believe she wants the independence and the financial and emotional support. We have a point, too. Sarah's age notwithstanding, we and her counselor judge her unready for independent living and decision-making. Her risk of relapse and failure is deemed too high. Do we hold to our limits?
Here's the conversation:
1. I've lived in that house for 14 years and I'm coming home for a few days to say good-bye. I'm 19 and you can't stop me!
2. Then come get me now and you can let me off once we get to Indiana and I'll walk home.
3. I really want us to be a family and if we live in Michigan we'll be all separated. I won't like that.
4. I promise, I won't leave the house. But I am going to see BF in person. We won't argue.
5. Why are you trying to control me?
6. You never see it my way. I'm not going to relapse just because I see BF. I'm stronger now. I'll go to meetings.
What's happening here? Don't we trust Sarah? Is "manipulation" justified? Let's check th e meaning in Dictionary.com for help!
ma·nip·u·late
We hung up in order: first me -- "I'm going to say good-bye and I love you. No escalation tonight!" Then Mom -- "I love you honey but you're not hearing what you're saying to us. It is not productive. Good night, I love you." Finally ... (we assume) ... Click.
Trying not to be lost in the drama we hold to this idea: Save Sarah's life. Take the professional advice. Save Sarah's life.
Guilty! I guess we are really manipulating the outcome. Or trying too.
Posts
1 comment:
It's going to be a long road ahead, regardless of Sarah's choice... including the unthinkable choice that she follows a path that she'll have to go down by herself.
All we can do is be there for her, support her, and love her if she takes the professional and parental advice. If she decides that she knows best and does her own thing, well, we can still love her, but the rest is the hard part.
How can you "be there" for an addict or "support" an addict without supporting the addiction as well if that is the choice they are makng for themselves?
The short answer is that you can't. Nothing can stop you from loving a person, but there is a distinct line that we have to draw in the sand (and it sounds like Dad and Susan have), where we say, if you decide to cross this line, you will do so alone.
How things are handled beyond that point will be a matter of taking things as they come.
But until any decision is made, all we can do is hope that she sees that to truly get better means accepting changes that are hard. It's always harder to do the wrong thing, or make the wrong decisions, than it is to do the right thing. That is what makes doing the right thing rewarding in the end.
Post a Comment