Right Turn

I cannot follow Part I (see "Older Post" at the bottom right of this entry) with Part II in the same Q&A format. Why? This chronological review is a one-sided and unbalanced recounting of the Rich - John friendship. An analysis of what ended the friendship leaves open the question of what were the real causes. To me, John's perspective would be more important than reciting my own thoughts about the dead friendship, but alas I am not likely to ever know his thoughts.

Failing to find answers about the dead thing, I want to switch attention to something that is alive, namely meeting family commitments and responsibilities! You know what I am talking about: "to love, honor, and cherish all the days of our lives." Susan and I are committed to life together and to being best friends. Besides the mushy stuff, we jointly contribute to building our senior future. Keeping in mind my usual disclaimer that Susan speaks for herself, I estimate that my record is average to above average in establishing a secure life ahead. Still, we will end our journey as best friends, and I believe that we would "do it all over again!" But, as I said before, maybe you should ask Susan for her thoughts.

As my life unfolded and I made choices, I consulted with Susan and almost always had her enthusiastic support. Following a conservative career plan, I should have worked 43 years after college until I retired. (43 years plus 22 years old at graduation = 65 years old.) Things changed as I turned away from AT&T in 2001, 10 years before age 65. Not so bad! That change led to a great job at the State of Indiana.

A second deviation occured in 2005 when I left the State to hike the Appalachian Trail. Six months on the trail followed by 6 more months of unemployment was like taking a sabbabical, a real luxury with benefits that are lasting a lifetime. Hiking was not at all a logical and certainly not a secure thing to do. Having no job for an extended period was risky to family financial health but it was great for mental health.

The dream that began when I was in my late 30's took shape in late 2003. Hiking with Kevin in Oregon was followed a year later by taking a "test" AT 40-mile journey across Maryland. Over the next 15 months I walked and hiked for hours many evenings and weekends while logging hundreds of miles. We know how that story ended. No regrets!

Risks aside, Susan was supportive, the job situation resolved itself in early 2006, and, despite bumps in the road, it's now 7 years to the day later and I'm on the threshold of retirement from full-time work. (Target January 2013)at age 66.

Had I ever dreamed I'd lose my closest friend after the hike? No. Oddly enough my plan had been to dedicate the hike to John and Susan but the chill was in the air well before the end of the hike. The separation was palpable before the Christmas get-together at Grandma Betty's.

Time has passed. Do I miss the friendship, the weekly calls, the periodic visits, and "catching up"? Yes. Have I reached out? Yes, but to no avail. In the end, we've both moved on, although regrets remain. And yes, he always worked harder, endured more, gave more, and asked little to nothing in return. Maybe he was going through a lot in his post-retirement years.

There may be a lesson here but I'm unsure of just what it is. I know hiking thousands of miles or living dozens of years with someone is very, very difficult but very rewarding. Marriage and friendship both have boundaries and I crossed a boundary too far and lost the friendship. I've not lost Susan despite being apart for what will amount to 2 years. Time and distance is a strain, although it is not the biggest strain we've endured. We agreed to the Michigan move, we agreed on the reasons, and, despite the painful separation, it's all just another non-traditional thing! We've hiked a long way together, we have supported one another, and we are still best friends. Not all best friends can survive such "things".

So while John is gone (there's still room for him)my most important best friend remains.

Following is not life advice but rather a few bits of so-called wisdom that I try to observe:

1. Hike your own hike but observe the admonition to leave no trace.
2. Live your own life while honoring your commitments and responsibilities.
2. Honor those you love and give more than you receive.
3. Respect strangers and give more than you receive.
4. Listen more than you talk.
5. Manage the ounces and the pounds will take care of themselves.
6. Think about the big things and then do something about them.
7. Make it happen rather than letting it happen to you.
8. At the fork in the road, make a "right" turn.
9. A bunch of little rights will keep you on the right path and get you to the right destination.
10. There is always room for "forgiveness".


So if you will forgive me, I'll end with: "Peace Out". Not sure what it means, but it sounds good.

Peace Out!

Lost Friend

State your name and state of birth.
Rich, born in Illinois.

Where did you go to high school?
Griffin, Springfield, Illinois.

Summarize your formal education.
College degree, advanced management certificate, extensive corporate education.

Why would education be important to mention?
Go back to the moral of the nursery rhyme, "The Three Little Pigs". A strong foundation for life includes an education. Key people in my life encouraged taking control of my life and building that strong foundation.

Who were your mentors or key (non-family) people of influence in your life?
Fr. Gerald Leahy and John A.

How did things work out with Fr. G?
He was an excellent spiritual advisor and guidance counselor. He didn't overtly push religious vocations and I was too self focused to listen carefully and consider what he said. I took much support that he offered but did not begin to appreciate the gift of his guidance. If anything, 50 years after I met him, there is no doubt that I was shallow, unfocused, and troubled-confused about so many things; if only I could have set aside my myopia and immaturity. That aside, was my self-serving naivete typical of the age? Yes, probably, but those who successfully learn by listening and considering the wisdom of others, may be set apart from the rest. Easy to say, I have no scientific observations to back up my suppositions so let us just say I regret not having the opportunity for a "do-over"!

And regarding John A., how did that work?
For about 43 years, our friendship was as close a friendship as I've ever had or will have. Teacher, guardian, guidance counselor, psychologist, career coach, brother, benefactor, safety net, rich uncle, critic, and enigma.

Where is Fr. Leahy now?
I believe he developed Alzheimer's disease, died, and no doubt he's counseling the angels today. While his memory left him, many who knew him treasure memories of him. Later in life Fr. Leahy was replaced by Fr. Fred, but that's another story. Great story but not key to this analysis.

And John, where is he? What is he doing now?
John is 72 years old, still lives in Chicago's western suburbs. He retired from corporate life about 8-9 years ago. He operates a web based business showcasing and selling the arts and crafts work of talented people throughout the US. The products are fine reproductions of work from the Arts and Craft movement ( www.fairoak.com ) He is a master at the business as well as being an expert, especially on pottery of the era (Teco, etc.).

How did you get to know John?
Met him near the end of my freshman year in high school. John was my hero and my "pain in the butt" because he was so good, yet so hard on wimpy little me.

What was John's background?
As I got to know him, he taught Algebra, was the yearbook moderator, and he was an energetic driver-driver "A-type". High performance, high expectations, high standards, high ideals, and already highly accomplished, having been an outstanding student himself who put himself through college while raising, with his mother, a niece and nephew. John, or "Mike" or "Michael" as his family called him, was extraordinary. His mother and father adopted John and his sister; his foster parents raised many, many children that way. Pretty amazing story - he grew up sleeping on a pullout bed in the parlor of the home on 6th Street.

How did your relationship with John grow?
For some reason he took most of my friends under his unofficial tutelage. He said we were a "special group" and by outcomes of lives it may be so: retired Air Force general, lawyer, chemical company exec., doctor, researcher, college prof / assistant dean, etc. I like to think John had some degree of influence on most but I believe, I benefited most.

John was responsible for home grown yearbooks (we didn't outsource)for a few years. He handled (taught himself) all phases of photography, layout, production, and distribution. John went on to form a speaker's group, the Gavel Club, and provided strict discipline yet often he gave more fatherly advice than did the religious community that taught at the school. It was not uncommon for John to counsel many, take kids to the popular ice cream and root beer hangouts, and even took people to the Muni Opera in Springfield and St. Louis. His band of students sometimes rebelled at his demanding style, rejected his press for excellence, yet everyone felt we gained much from having known him. How many actually formed sustained post-education friendships, I don't know. I know really of just one - me; that's a mystery because I didn't sustain my participation in either club, yearbook or Gavel Club, however we did stay in touch.

Describe some of the history of the early years?
In my senior year John drove me and another student to Washington to visit Georgetown and also to see the Capitol City. Considering I'd seen only parts of Illinois, Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, and Missouri, that was a big trip. I wasn't accepted to Georgetown (while it offered a great education I was far too immature and it would have been a disaster). My SAT scores were mediocre, if not disappointing. Preparation consisted of making sure I had 2 #2 lead pencils! Somehow I scored high (amazingly so) on the ACT and got accepted to Illinois State University. Thank goodness my parents and John insisted on a back-up plan, but perhaps that was at an age when any college was "success". John was pretty much my guidance counselor -- I didn't have a clue, or better yet, I had no passion for education or a career. It just wasn't in the front of my mind. Oh yeah, my grades for the first two years barely made a 2.2 GPA, no bad grades, just very few good ones.

I digress. John stayed in touch during those years and I think I did, too. He didn't approve of my social life, grades, or even focus on sports. I doubt that he ever saw me compete but why should he? That lack of contact and interest didn't necessarily mean we weren't in contact! I was lucky enough to have him occasionally visit school and see him over holidays and summers, but then I was blind and in love.

Ever the futurist, John left teaching to work in "computers" where he learned the trade that would mark the rest of his career. He ended his professional life as VP of Information Technology and Services and helped transition a automotive mail order parts catalog company into a call center/customer response and ordering concern. He truly became expert in all phases of that business -- all phases. I believe he was so smart but likely such a driver that he crimped his own potential. John was quite able to hold his own against the best of IBM, RCA, AT&T, and others. This paragraph doesn't begin to do justice to the breadth of his expertise. Suffice it to say, in the business, John was a giant!

This same person could break down a lawnmower engine, rebuild it, and keep it running. He could replace your water heater, diagnose problems with your wash machine, solve complex personal business problems, and advise me on my personal problems.

You were in your last year of college and headed to the real world. How did John fit into your life?
I would likely have followed the path of least resistance to become a teacher and live life following the path of "letting things happen". John helped me see a choice, opened opportunities, and even guided me transitioning to the bigger world that was found in central Illinois. I visited him at his apartment on the Lake in Chicago; I learned about the importance of a resume, had mock interviews, and generally had a broader expectation of life and career. He helped me assess issues related to "the draft", and ultimately, though he counseled otherwise, supported my decision to marry right out of college. Thanks to John, I did transition to living in the big city, adjust to a big corporation, and get launched in marriage and in a 2-year military commitment.

I lived at John's place before marriage, upon return from the Army, and after my separation. John was my best-man --- twice and godfather to at least one of our kids, confirmation sponsor to another, and witness to all kinds of milestones in their lives. While he didn't always approve, he helped me navigate the good times and the bad. He was a friend to my friends, an uncle to my children, a truth-telling advisor, and a patient observer of my failings. He was generous, well beyond belief. Take my word for it - when measured by dollars or value or purpose, John had no equal in his generosity to parents, in-laws, and children.

You refer to Lost Friend. What's that about?
My marriage to Susan and John's acceptance of that and of her family was a good match. He was pretty much part of the family, even when we moved to New Jersey and then back, at least to Indiana. He visited and was key to our lives. Godparent and friend, there was little John didn't know but nothing he could control. He was on the periphery a bit.

Your friend? You kept him on the periphery later in your relationship?
Well yes. He didn't hold back and even when he "disapproved" he committed his time and energy to being part of our family. Occasionally that disapproval stung (both ways) and I suspect a little distance began to grow. Some disapproval was over really big matters and some was small. Physical distance helped ameliorate some criticism but John was still the most loyal of friends.

Part II of this blog will begin later.
I need to process and maybe assess what has been written thus far. The next segment really will explore what may have been the break points.

The separation may, and I mean may, have really begun over John's disappointment with expectations of me, of the kids, and of unrequited friendship. Therein may be found the seeds of decay and ultimately lost friendship.

Great Expectations?

Good Evening,

Odd combinations today:

1. Attended an orientation to utility program management processes for multi-billion dollar projects.

2. Listened to a few more chapters of a recorded book, Great Expectations by Mr. Dickens. Tonight's highlight was the first significant dialog between adolescent Pip and Biddy.

Takeaways?

How valuable are our relationships, especially family and love? How would you describe life and love? Simple, complex, beyond any sum or value? What is the cost of lost time?

Relating to item # 1 - If a new powerplant has a useful life of 60 years (about the length of one family generation) and requires capital and operations expenses of $5.5 B , is that a bargain? Probably yes. Investing a few millions to ensure all goes well (project and life cycle management) would be judged well worth it, right?

So the thought I ponder tonight, relative to item # 1, is: what is the accounting for marriage, love and family? If you could place a monetary value on love, what would it be? More appropriately, given the opportunity to account for our love at the end of our time, will our invested treasure reflect our true heart? No, not merely on a "monetary basis" but rather "all in", meaning heart-emotion, head, commitment, whole body, and treasure. Were we "all in" for each other and family?

Considering item # 2, the first dialog between young Pip and Biddy, both see the Pip's motives and dreams fairly and both know he has "great expectations" of himself that may / will push him outside his life's comfort zone. Biddy tells him the truth, he agrees but ignores both Biddy and his own true feelings because of his ambitions. Somewhat sadly, as I am sure you know the story, he is propelled to follow his inner voice and unrealistic desires.

There is certainly more to both illustrated items and any parallels in my own life. Maybe the investment in family and the pursuit of the perfect retirement plan are the subtle conflicts I haven't yet processed along the journey into life's winter season?

Is there some struggle here? Except for one long walk, life has been pretty predictable and rational. No "sticking the neck out" or taking big risks. Is there some risk to living out the current "12 months to go" plan? Am I really waiting for the "perfect moment" when all conflicts are resolved? (Great Expectations?)

What are the issues in the "perfect plan"? Waiting for age (check); working to the end of the current governor's term when my boss' appointment expires (sort of); getting health care coverage assured - closer to Susan's Medicare eligibility and timed to transition Sarah to her own coverage (sort of); surrender to the call of Pure Michigan - (yeah, that's still a tough one).

Really? Is that all? No, there is the inner voice asking what Tina Turner sang, "What's love got to do with it?"

The answer is to follow my love in a rational, no risk way. We have a plan for the next 12 months. The difficulty for both of us is the passage of time which cannot be recovered or wasted. The cost is incalculable but the reasons are justified and accepted by both of us. The plan is the plan, "Great Expectations" and all.

Peace.

No Excuses

Hello.

What would it be like to be perfect and to be able to say "No excuses, no apologies, no regrets...."? Not perfect, not smart, struggling to see the big picture, selfish to the point of meanness ... somedays, that's me. Keep this paragraph in mind when reading this message. I've written it to further analyze my perspectives on the future.

About 4 1/2 months have passed since I last attempted to update this blog but for over four and 1/2 years Susan and I have been wrestling with the effects of addiction and recovery in our family. We have not sufficiently addressed our own need for recovery. "Geoff" offered this recipe some time ago: combine a 12 step recovery program with generous dose of counseling and add in all the prayer and reflection your life can hold. I probably rate a "C" in two categories and an F in the other.

The previous version of this "Barking" blog examined Sarah's Journey to Recovery and it will now become a vehicle to examine of my thoughts about my journey and I will occasionally provide an update on Sarah's progress! She deserves high praise for her progress and privacy as she continues her life. You can send a "friend" request to her on Facebook if you're curious.

Sarah - the positive update: Bright spots and highlights! Sarah achieved 3.5 of 4.0 at NMC in her two classes. She lives in at home and works 25 or so hours weekly at a local restaurant. Her girl friend, Hannah, lives in the Traverse City house. In reality, the plusses outweigh the minuses of that arrangement and that fact offers hope for the future. My hope is that Sarah (and Hannah) will continue to grow into healthy and responsible adults.

So congratulations to Sarah. She's further on her "Road to Recovery" than am I.

And now on to the future and a chronicle of my own journey as I face the Perfect Storm of aging, potential retirement, and the need to move-on. This blog will become the vehicle for my look into the future.

Explanatory notes are inserted here: "I" does not mean "Susan and me." Susan speaks for herself. Her actions are hers just as my actions are mine. She may or may not agree with anything I say and thus I am alone responsible for what is written in this blog.

Shifting gears.

Last Fall Susan and I agreed I would work another year, renew the lease in Carmel, and evaluate the timing of living under a common roof. Each of us is sizing up scenarios of post-retirement life, Social Security, Medicare, balance sheets, and varying approaches to life's challenges!

As a reminder, Susan moved to Michigan to care for her Mother knowing that we'd eventually sell the Eden Glen house. Her move was fortuitous because her sister and partner were encountering issues of their own and Susan's presence helped all concerned. A second reason for the timing of the move was to get Sarah to new surroundings. That action may have saved her life.

Here is an unanticipated consequence of the move: Separation strengthens the individual; unfortunately it tests us. Long distances cloud meanings and emotions associated with written and spoken words; it feeds misunderstandings and undermines confidence. My hypothesis is that our weaknesses become weaker, and our strengths become weaker, not stronger. I must work to be patient, understanding, supportive, and present in Michigan with as much positive energy and emotion as I have within me.

Having a desire for a peaceful retirement is a corruption what real life will actually unfold. If you know me, you know I am hardly tolerant of deviations from any plan, let alone a planned, enjoyable retirement. Dad used to say it all when he boiled his philosophy down to this restated adage: "you made your bed, now you lie in it!" The rub is that this transition will not take place in a flash. It may take a year or more. I just have no way of knowing.

I am reluctant to embrace change. Retiring here (Indiana), moving there (Michigan), is like reaching the point of no return (PONR) from Fall to the Wintertime of life. In Indiana, I have identity through work and engagement in the community. I love my job, feel part of the church, community, the library, Kroger, and the landscape. In less that half a day (12 hours) I can see all but Kevin, Kate, and Elli. My habits, patterns, trails, and emotional (non-family) ties are here. I no longer even consider Illinois, my birthstate, my home. At the PONR the change becomes permanent, somewhat like letting a part of me die or get relegated to the archives. So, in some ways, I equate moving to Michigan as starting over, leaving behind major parts of me.

So Michigan, pure Michigan! What awaits?
Adjustments Ahead. Reintegrating life with Susan will be great but an adjustment nonetheless. She too is redefining herself. So far the sandpaper of life has left some adjustment scrapes oon each of us and maybe a few bystanders. If anything, change will take time. In marriage I believe partners come first, not the will of others. The "moving adjustment" will not be easy. I got used to living at least a half day's commute from relatives for 45 years. I dearly love and miss them but I adjusted to the distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and occasional visits were wildly exciting. (They were wild to see our family of 7 leave!) Upnorth has always been guided by the traditional "Larson way" at the cottage. Relatives made us welcome and yet the invading hoards were rare visitors. Not Susan, just the "relative" newcomers!

Upnorth has already been tweaked by my presence. Look out, I'll be bringing a lifetime of habits, patterns, boundaries, and expectations. That inevitable intersection already begs for roadside assistance given 65 years of acquired habits. Overnight conversion to the "laid back ways" of Michigan are unlikely. (Ha ha ha ha - laid back ways?)

Soon - Good-bye Hoosierland! The Residences of Carmel City Center is more than just a motel room. This place offers much: its location is convenient with helpful services, friendly staff, and privacy. Life is simple and without a huge storeroom of "things"; heck, I use the open Internet access and the office center computers, workout area, and have skipped subscribing to cable TV. Living in about 800 square feet, I even have my own w/d. Duke Energy squeezes less than $40 per month for energy. Water and parking are included in the rental fee. Pretty efficient living. It only lacks Susan. Okay, Susan and Maggi. (I don't believe Sarah has the least wish to live here -- she loooves Michigan.)

Outlook. I recently provided our children my (our?) perspective of the future, talking about plans, wishes, aging, retirement options, and the final days. Because "age 65" is just a few days away, it seemed timely to deliver a uniform message to those wonderful people. That message doesn't appear here but it was enough of what one needs to know about the future. Well, my estimate is that there is an 80% probability that I'll move to Traverse City in 12 1/2 months although the escape route still looms. A variety a reasons can delay retirement as this blog post recounts.

This is, afterall, the season of change and of hope. Just having our life and health is a blessing which, as the cottage wisdom goes, "is a privilege denied to many."

Is this the time to "man up" and take seriously the commitment "for better or for worse"? Yes. Time to tackle the "us" issues and to learn the "TC" way? Yes, umm, maybe later? Sooner?

It is the time for No Excuses, No Apologies, and No Regrets. It's up to us............not just me.

August 2011

Really good news!

Sarah just celebrated her 22nd birthday. She's been separating from Susan this summer, works in Frankfort MI, and is gaining independence. We're proud of the progress and look forward to her continued success.

Small victories, big victories.

Next Step

Susan takes possession of our house in Michigan this week. I'll help for a week plus. Movers will arrive sometime on Thursday and maybe finish that day or the next. Is that when the madness begins? Actually the madness began long ago so this is just the next step.

An apparent growth on Susan's spine is pressuring her nerve and for weeks she has become increasingly incapacitated. With stronger pain killers she can sit up and hobble around to care for personal needs. A dye test and likely surgery are on the horizon but we both expect a miracle cure if results of her surgery are as good as the last time.

Sarah is working in Frankfort, MI, 7 miles from the cottage but 40 miles from the new house. You can see how that is a problem especially since staying at the cottage is not an option.

Yes we all face the next step, different yet alike in challenge. Susan, usually tireless, is stuck in pain. Ouch.

Next step indeed. Another blog entry may record - - - the next step! Afterall, it's all about working the steps.

Focus Was Wrong

Hello.

I'm pretty sure this blog is just good therapy - talking to myself. Where should our attention be centered? On the addict or on how to successfully deal with the effects of the addiction on our lives?

Pretty happy but curious? Am I happy because I don't have to deal with relationships right now? Susan and Sarah are 360 miles away. There is sooo much to do, but running errands and doing chores is stupid. Being alone is stupid but it will be worth it.

Susan is the Mother. Best of all, she cares so much for all the kids and grandkids -- sometimes it's unrequited. If Sarah lives, if she beats addiction, it will be due to the support and unlimited cache of love Susan has for Sarah.

I'm so proud of both of them.

Just step back, let go, let God.